Deactivating the Battle
The other day when this photo was taken she had climbed on top of the table as she often does, and decided to toss everything. When I saw this photo I thought, this is me. It sums up a lot of my days of living someone else’s idea, feeling like “just a mom” dismissed, a failure, drained, unappreciated, unmotivated, forgotten, yada yada, etc. It’s a very lonely place hidden in shame behind a smile or laugh. I’m overwhelmed and I want to wave my white diaper wipe, crawl off the scene and admit defeat. Instead I suck it up. I’m not a wimp. I’m not a victim so move on Mom. Yeah but I still struggle. I’m human. I know others have been here but while many mothers and wives feel this, it is a very lonely place. Our emotions are our own battle ground. The other day I contemplated deactivating my facebook account for various reasons. While battling my bucket full of emotions, and trying to deal with spontaneous problems right before Fia’s doctors appointment, I broke. I cried. I was done. I needed help but wasn’t here. I hesitated but I asked anyway. I went to a group of friends in our Mom’s group on facebook and asked for prayer. Moments after I posted my SOS prayer request I felt peace. I thought wow Lord! I came back to the group and read the replies of, “Been there and praying for you, you got this, praying for you etc.” Again I was brought to tears but good ones. Ones that come from feeling supported and cared for. Support in prayer is priceless. Guess I won’t deactivate my account. There are precious people there. Thank you friends for your prayers. We are in a battle daily and prayer works! I pray this spiritual battle doesn’t last long. Until then I’ll genuinely smile while Fia tosses those diaper wipes each one represents a prayer for peace.